Confessions of a moment

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I hope that through my blog you get a glimps inside my soul. That you fall in love by my journey that has lead me to this moment. A moment I share with my husband and two beautiful children. Where I dance in God's grace and forgiveness every day.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Unspoken words

In the warm breeze of spring day I can close my eyes and remember who I was. I can smell the memories as I walk through the damp grass with no shoes on. I feel a false safety because of my  innocents. My yesterdays are again my today. I remember the fight I had that shined through my soul. The carelessness. With no one depending on me that I loved more than myself.  Longing for the need to be loved passionately yet firmly grounded in my ability to stand alone.  I am not afraid of the dark because in the dark I can still feel the sun from within. I don’t wonder who I will be or where I have been because the warm breeze, the field, the smell of summer so close is all I need to feel alive. I have no rules or place to be. I walk until I see a pound and I swim alone. It’s quiet and cold. I can’t see what is below me or down the field. I am not worried though because there is nothing to lose.
I open my eyes and it’s cold outside. I am older & wiser. I am tired. I still long to be loved passionately but know now that love is not a feeling yet an act. I now fight to forget my past. I feel aged but I still look the exact same. I am dependent and fearful yet distant and curious. I observe my surroundings before choosing a path. I am prepared. The weight of the world is on my shoulders. I live for others. Routine guides my moments & stability keeps me safe. I love others more than myself. I am mother. I am a wife. I forgot how to shine when the dark comes unless someone else is needing a light. In the dark I feel for my way but all I find is new. I am more confused. I have everything to lose.

Monday, December 12, 2011

It's all about you!

Most often we allow our circumstances to determine our expectations. When those expectations exceed we then can step past our right now’s, with assurance that there is hope.  Every single moment we find ourselves in does not define us because life is ever changing.  Just because you have experienced a pattern in life doesn’t mean the next thread can’t be sewn a whole other direction. You are able to rise above addictions, depression, abuse, loss, hopelessness, failure and it all. You are able because you have a God that is big enough to take your hand and lead you out of the gray into light.

It’s easy to be in love with the familiarness of the pattern. Changing has to begin from within yourself. You cannot change for someone else because that someone else is bound to let you down sooner or later and then ultimately you are left with you. If you truly didn’t change for you there is a good change those old habits are going to be the first thing you fall back on.  

Today I just want to send a short blog to my readers and say keep trying. Condition yourselves to dream about the good instead of constantly reflecting on the bad. Shoot for beyond the unreachable and know you are not ever alone. I promise you this, even when you think there is not a single way anyone else could relate to what is going on in your life, there is. We all have our things we are getting through. Find a wiser person to confine in, pray, open your bible and read. The answers are there if you want them.  Always remember to choose wisely what you turn to and who you confine in.  But, most of all just choose a better life because you are worth it. You are strong enough.

I’d love to take time to pray for you or send an encouraging word your way. Because I care about you. Have a truly blessed week readers. Remember there is hope."


Life is like a merry-go-round Your destination never found Circling you back where you seem to begin A journey that seems to never end. And now it's time for you to get off A new ride and adventure waits to be sought Eager for the ride you await to be on Standing and waiting your turn won't be long. On your new ride you expected something vast. Excepting nothing changed, different ride, but same past. Many rides, many choices. Only one you must take. The enjoyment and pleasure is up to you to make.

"Life" By Chantelle (Dailey) Hull

Thursday, December 8, 2011

When I think of a father.

Last night our assistant pastor preached on relationships with our father. He did a really good job and made some great points. People around the room spoke about their earthly and heavenly father, while I listened quietly. Some had great fathers and some did not. This subject is one of the hardest for me. I honestly don’t like to sit in a room and hear people discuss their relationships about their fathers. It makes me sad, it annoys me and I find myself very uncomfortable.  I did not grow up with my biological father and even though I have known him for 5 1/2 years now, I still really don’t have a father. I don’t call him when I have a flat tire, or when I need money, or when I accomplish something…. when I am sad, or happy, or my kids get sick, or I get a new job. He was not there when my children were born, or when I got married, or when I road my first bike, or learned to drive.  He does not come see me or call. I don’t even have his phone number anymore. I honestly know him less then I know my neighbors down the road from me. I did have 6 step fathers throughout my childhood. They all were good to me. But, they came as quickly as they left and not one of them had a fathers love for me. When I think of an earthly father I see nothing.

For me an earthly father is what you see on tv.  Which leaves me believing in them even less then I believe two headed sea horses. I would love it if my earthly father was not so often compared to a heavenly father. It makes it really hard for me to separate. I personally think they are two different things. A human relationship cannot be compared to a spiritual relationship because humans are horrible. Humans let you down all the time. They leave, they are selfish, and they just are… humans. God never leaves us. He may love us as we all envision a father should love us but I like to believe he is more than we can even grasp.

It has taken me lots of effort to allow and understand that my husband is just as much of a parent as I am a mom to my children. It scares me for them that they have such a relationship with him. Even though he is the greatest father I have seen in my whole life I still wake up every day and am amazed he is still around. I am so grateful my children get to have that wholeness that having a father brings. It warms my soul." I am learning through my children how to have trust in a father. "

I want to get to a point in my relationship with Christ that I can allow Jesus to be my father without falling back on my earthly father perspectives. This entry is probably completely off on a Christian point of view but this is my journey and at this point in my life I am still trying to overcome this area.

Chantelle D. Hull

Friday, November 11, 2011

But most

A while back I was driving to the mall with my children in the back seat. I was about 8 cars cars back as a lady crossed the highway, jumped the ditch and ended up in a line of cars that were coming at her at 70 miles an hour. I watched as all cars came to a stop. Not one car hit her. Instantly two women got out of the car, followed by another husband and wife couple. The two women pulled the small children from the back seat into their arms and the other woman took the driver into her arms and held her as she cried.

This story is a great example how we should love others. What if when we see a person make a mistake we didn’t judge them…..what if we just without thinking of ourselves embraced them with no thought other than instant unconditional love? The people in the car could have been angry with the women and her recluse driving…her mistake, but instead they embraced her with this breathtaking love that I envision Christ to have.
Our actions do speak louder than our words, I completely agree. Although, I think we need to look at others actions with grace instead of assuming the worst so soon. Just maybe we ourselves could step aside from our judgmental tendencies and assume the possibility in that individual. See what we can do to encourage and shine for them. Sometimes people’s actions are a cry for help. Their struggles, their back and forth with their life, in my opinion… is not done to indicate they are representing as phonies to you but just a person crying out for love. Fight for them. Isn’t that what we as the church is here for…the broken?

                                                                  Love beyone Expiations  

                                                            Beleive in the good in others.
                                                                   Fight for the broken.

                                                                     1 Corinthians 13:13

Thursday, November 10, 2011

What Makes You Unique?

Art is like your first love that you'll seem to always know.

 Though a thousand miles may part, you'll still feel him in your soul.

 It's the love that seems to bind you. And the beauty that won’t let go.

Shining through a passion of words you'll always know.

Art is like a melody that stops you in your feet, that without even an ounce of recognition has you dancing to it's great beat.

 The beat of love, the beat of home, the beat of something that is never grown.

 For art is always blooming and love is oh so rare. So any chance you may get always chose you there.

 Because if where you will be is where you’ve been here is that moment that can take you beyond the wind.

Lean into your existence, embrace it with passion and grace.

And never remember a moment and excuse it with a waist.

Hey, Readers. Last night my Pastor asked a question. He asked, “What is the thing about you that makes you unique?” As no one answered I thought to myself, I wonder why? Is it because of insecurity’s and fears? Fear that their uniqueness, if said out loud is one that no one else will agree with… is it because our minds automatically can think of something negative instead of positive….or is it because of lack of confidence to be the first to speak up in a group of people. Whatever each persons reason, no one gave an answer. My pastor then went around the room and said a couple of answers he sees in them, himself.

I didn’t answer because I honestly couldn’t think of something I was good at in the split 30 seconds of silence. So today I have decided to take time to praise God for the uniqueness in me that has created. To recognize the beauty in myself. If I would have answered my Pastor’s question last night I would have said this…..

I can set down in 5 minutes and write a poem. I love to mother and am good at it. I have an eye for photography and art. He has given me the gift of writing, as well. When I write it’s like I hear what he has for me to say.  My heart aches for the poor, and for the wounded. I love to give and to be a part of helping others. I love music and to sing. I’m great with giving words of encouragement and knowing when they are needed. I am good at being a friend.

 These are the main things that came to mind when I thought about what make me who I am….. what makes me unique.

God created us. He loves us like we love our children. We are his works of art. Embrace that! Love yourself as much as he loves you. Dwell on his good in you and you can shine with all the brightness he has given. Take time today to recognize your uniqueness and praise him for every single ounce of it.    

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights are your mercies in disguise....

I hear them tell their stories. That very moment they got down on their knees and decided right then and there that they had to give it all to Jesus. How they asked him to come in their life and heart. I imagine most people’s stories go a little something like this….”after a great sermon that spoke directly to me my life just made sense.  I went to the front without even thinking. I just got up and it was like the holy spirit walked me to the front… I laughed, I cried, I felt joy and walked out a brand new person.”  For me, growing closer to Christ seems to be an every day journey.

When I was young I went to the front, asked God to come into my heart and followed by being baptized. Charity Baptist in Rogers Arkansas. John Noman was our pastor’s name. My mom got married there. That church was a memory in my childhood that brought good. Until it didn’t. 
The church split, eventually. The man I called Dad at that time (from 3rd grade to 7th) ended up being a crazy person. He admitted to our pastor he had been hiding drugs in my mom’s car so he could sell without the fear of getting caught. To sum it up….. He had a couple of affairs and just ended up being insane.

 One time he locked my mom naked in the hot car for days to teach her a lesson on fasting. I was at my mom’s best friend’s house for the weekend. I am not sure how she found out what was going on…. but my mom’s  friend loaded us up in the van, parked at the top of the hill and quickly explained to me which was the gas and which was the brake…in case I needed it…in case it got bad. She grabbed a bat and went off to rescue my mom. We left him and started over. He ended up getting an apartment a mile away from ours and chasing me down the street in his car as I was getting the mail one day. I don’t think I had ever been so scared in life. My mom met me at our car, we got in and he chased us in reverse until my mom could flip the car around and drive forward. We got stuck on a curb and sat with the doors locked looking forward as he yelled and beat on the windows. Two guys lifted my mom’s car off the curb and we drove to the police station.

No matter where we went he seemed to find us or she’d give it another try. I remember being locked in the bedroom with my mom as he was pounding on the door trying to get in one day. She slung the door open and beat him with his own golf club. The Sheriff told him that day he wasn’t allowed back in his town. I remember him saying, if he caught him back he would take care of it himself. The last time we left was when my grandma died. We packed up when he was at work and left town to Kansas. We left my doll house behind because it wouldn’t fit in the U-Haul.  

In that time period until right now I have been climbing back into God’s arm. Reaching and searching to get back to that place where I really feel him. Since I have been married we have lived our life’s right. But we hadn’t really searched for God until we started going to church about two years ago. In this time my husband and I have both asked God into our life. My husband went to the front when he asked God into his heart. I sat in the chair quietly and asked by myself.

 I feel like I ask God to come into my heart daily now days. Maybe it’s more to stay then to come. I go to bed at night and pray for forgiveness and ask him to just show me his presence in my life. We go to church whenever it’s open. We try to be as active and involved as we can. We watch what we allow on tv and listen to on the radio a little better then before and really try to live as we believe he wants us too..

 I long to be closer to God more and more every moment. I want to grow into that place where I don’t have to fight to be less of this world. Where there is less of me and more of him.

I feel like I slowly melt into any relationship. It has taken me 8 years to finally get to that spot of just trust and true love with my husband. Where he can hug me and I honestly feel a peace in his arms. I feel like every day with God I grown more intrigued and in love with him too. My goal this month is to open the bible and start studying his word. How can you know something without reading the story? It’s time for me to dig a little deeper. To grow a little more.


I love this song…..Laura Story-“Blessings”

Thursday, November 3, 2011


Maybe this will change with age but I feel like a big half of my energy goes to my friends. Yes, most importantly I’d like to think I focus on my faith, husband and children but in the mix of that is also friends.

According to psychologist Sydney Jourard, most of your joy in life comes from your happy relationships with other people, and most of your problems in life come from unhappy relationships with them. So, basically most of your problems in life are people problems.

Think about your days. Think about something today that has made you smile…I bet your first thought had to do with someone else. We are a social, co-dependent society.  Billions of people log on to Facebook every single day to see what other are doing and to tell the world about their self’s. There is a reason we can’t delete our Facebook accounts or turn off our notifications. We are psychologically dependent on human relations.

I am an extremely social person. I don’t know what to do with my quiet time. I usually turn on the music, text a friend, blog, or call my husband at work. This constant contact with others of course affects my life. If I am talking with someone that is negative and down on life I’ll get off the phone and feel a little down myself. If I am talking to someone that is silly and up beat I will get off the phone and feel happy and content.

How about you?  Do you ever feel like relations with others leave you feeling as if your emotions are a big rollercoaster of emotions that are affected by everyone else’s actions and words? One minute life is great… People are great…then the next you just want to shut the doors and turn off the old social network site and cell phone. How healthy can this be?

I think as we grow healthier and closer to God we know what to do in the quiet. Maybe even we long for the quiet rather than fear it. We understand that there is no escaping relationships on a daily biases but we learn how to do it all in a right way. We need to learn to become co-dependent upon God. Turn to him for the answers. Then the closer we lean in to God the more protected we are from the ways of society so that we aren’t effect by everyone else’s actions because our eyes are on something bigger than that. I think that will allow us to just enjoy our friendships more, pick them more wisely and give them the very best of us. It will make us better not only in our friendships, but our relationships with our children, with our spouses and even our relationship with the people in our past and future. God’s plan for our life is not misery, chaos, uncertainty, and instability. He wants our relationships to be pure, enjoyable, peaceful and to just work.