In the warm breeze of spring day I can close my eyes and remember who I was. I can smell the memories as I walk through the damp grass with no shoes on. I feel a false safety because of my innocents. My yesterdays are again my today. I remember the fight I had that shined through my soul. The carelessness. With no one depending on me that I loved more than myself. Longing for the need to be loved passionately yet firmly grounded in my ability to stand alone. I am not afraid of the dark because in the dark I can still feel the sun from within. I don’t wonder who I will be or where I have been because the warm breeze, the field, the smell of summer so close is all I need to feel alive. I have no rules or place to be. I walk until I see a pound and I swim alone. It’s quiet and cold. I can’t see what is below me or down the field. I am not worried though because there is nothing to lose.
I open my eyes and it’s cold outside. I am older & wiser. I am tired. I still long to be loved passionately but know now that love is not a feeling yet an act. I now fight to forget my past. I feel aged but I still look the exact same. I am dependent and fearful yet distant and curious. I observe my surroundings before choosing a path. I am prepared. The weight of the world is on my shoulders. I live for others. Routine guides my moments & stability keeps me safe. I love others more than myself. I am mother. I am a wife. I forgot how to shine when the dark comes unless someone else is needing a light. In the dark I feel for my way but all I find is new. I am more confused. I have everything to lose.