Confessions of a moment

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I hope that through my blog you get a glimps inside my soul. That you fall in love by my journey that has lead me to this moment. A moment I share with my husband and two beautiful children. Where I dance in God's grace and forgiveness every day.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Baby steps

There is no way I can tell you all about this fabulous child that changed my life without telling you about the other. Cooper was born on July 9th, 2007. Weighing in at 7 pound 9 ounces.

When we went in to find out what the sex of our baby was they had said it was a girl, to my surprise. See since I had had a dream he was a boy I was pretty mind set they were wrong and needed to stick that cold camera right back on my rounded belly and look again. I made the sonogram lady re check, cried a little and moments later she came back with those beautiful words, that he was after all a boy. My husband thought I persuaded the tech a little much and we should hold off on buying boy clothes. That didn’t stop me much. His closet was soon full of everything boy within the week. A momma just knows.

Sure enough he was a boy. I remember before he was born imagining him to look just like Madison for some reason. Madison was still bald at the time of her brother’s birth but Cooper came out with enough hair for the both of them. I was in love instantly…and relieved. He was caught in my ribs and it took 3 men pushing down on my body to get him out and after they finally pulled him out there was no cry. I in panic kept repeating why isn’t he crying, why isn’t he crying…what is wrong. The room was silent for it seemed like a billion minutes and then the most amazing sound in the world came out of that brown headed beautiful child, his first cry. What a relief.  He too was a healthy, perfect child. Our blessing number two.

Cooper is all boy. He loves sports, skateboarding and being outside. He’s a bit of a clown when he wants to be. At home he is always dancing and singing. He scares me to death since 90 percent of the time he is up to something. I don’t think there is one thing he is afraid of. This year he started pre-k. I am learning what free time is like again.  I couldn’t imagine life without him. He will forever be my baby…even if he is a daddy’s boy a little too much.  

Some more steps along the way

You know how they say when you become a mother for the first time and you hear that very first cry your whole life is changed. That really does happen. After 80…. not my fault pounds… that no, I did not get by eating every rice crispy treat in site, a long nine months, 4 different gallons of paint, 24 hours of labor and a cesarean I heard her first cry. Life stood still for the first time in my world. She was perfect. It was like I recognized her even though I hadn’t even held her yet.  I grew up instantly in that moment.  I knew I wanted to do everything in my power to be the best mom I could possibly be.  

Madison is this fabulous child’s name. She is pretty amazing. 6 years old and going on 14. Recently she just lost her first tooth.  She is really good at math and spelling. Such an amazing little artist. She has a huge heart. I can’t help but look in her big brown eyes and thank Jesus every day for such a blessing.  

Before I got pregnant with Madison we lost a pregnancy. I remember lying in the hospital room with my husband after surgery on the O.B. floor, listening to the rain and thinking how are we ever going to get through this moment. I was angry that surrounding me were all these happy new moms and I had nothing. It stormed the whole night. I don’t remember going home the next day. I do remember shutting the baby’s room as we walked in the house.  The months to follow were one of the hardest months of my life. Instead of hope and faith I was doubtful and sad.

Time kept moving and we tried again. Madison was born on  April, 21st 2005. She was 7 pounds 13 ½ ounces of perfectness. It’s funny how the mess melts away when matter comes into effect. She mattered. She made me matter.

Before Madison I lived at home until I was 17. Life at home was a mess. My mother had been married and divorced 6 times and struggled with alcoholism. We moved a lot until my grandparents both passed and we were left a house in Kansas. From age 13-17 years of age life was pretty insane. I was free to come and go as I pleased and found myself trying to find my happiness in the guys I dated. I could fill a book with stories of this time in my life. I found myself to be an addict to just about everything that was wrong for me. Reckless, with no direction or curfew.

Rock bottom for me should have been when I ended up in ICU at the children’s hospital after overdosing.  I instead I returned home just… more careful with my recklessness. I quietly worked and supported my now drug habit on the side. I drank a lot, smoked more and had no concern for my tomorrows.  

I was on a path to a hard life until I met my husband. He was a breath of fresh air. Nothing like I had ever dated. When I say God puts people in our path to save us, I mean it. 8 years in January I have been drug free. He inspires me to look at others with hope and whole heart. That me as one person can be that light in someone else’s path…that can take their hand and pull them to a place of good…a place that alone seemed unreachable. Sometimes people just need that one person to change their whole life forever. God places people in our life’s for a reason. I can’t help now but to see others in their struggles and bad choices and think by the grace of God there could have gone I….. easily.

I don’t believe there is ever a time in our life’s that we reach a place of sanctity. Where we have the right to judge others and feel above them. That we are better because we choose good. Good is seeing someone in their struggles and loving them anyway. It’s being there for them beyond self… judgment free. It’s giving your last bit of cash to the man on the street, not because you want him to go buy a meal with that money instead of beer but because you want him to know he is loved. I think it is important to never forget where you came from and if you have been blessed enough to come from good, remember by the grace of God you stay there.
I would like to encourage you each to do a random act of kindness today. Send a word of inspiration to someone just because. Open a door for a stranger. Smile as a person walks by. A little love of Jesus can go a long way.

Dear God,

Is life ever perfect? Is anything ever fair? Does anybody really love us? Do people really care? Is the grass ever greener? If we pray can we get there? Can I close my eyes and remember an unfamiliar smell? A glimpse of where I have been and yet where I long to go. Where we laugh just for fun. Where getting lost is just routine as we fade amongst the sun. As we all get a little older we gradually lose our sight. Forgetting who we are and how good it fills to fight. To fight for those who love us. To embrace the ones who care. To pray with all our hearts because God will lead us there. Back to the place where laughter and joy only grow. To the place that we most miss ourselves, in the love of arms that show. That shows through self or anger. That will hold you through that night. That is the wind beneath your hunger to once again fly a kite. Because without that wind that moves you are yet just lying still. And still is going nowhere. And going nowhere is never to fill.

Chantelle hull

Thursday, October 27, 2011

My Journey into happy ever after.

"The older I get the more often I find we all have a story. We seem to be spending our next pages trying to overcome the already written. Some of us try to bury it so far we can barely even remember who we were. Others crutch onto it for sympathy like a lost limb. But, sometime a few of us complicated souls find how to overcome the mess, to bloom into something amazing despite. This is my journey."

First off I want to say I know without God completely taking his presence in my marriage and our life’s I would not be right here at this point. I have been there done that and God is the answer. The only answer. He makes me feel safe, he never leaves me or fails me, he is that unconditional love that we all search for. Mistakes make us stronger if we let them and with God at the wheel he can lead us to our path that we can spread his love in spite of all the mess we got ourselves into. I promise without him in the lead life is messy. But to find him is peace to our broken soul.
(In each blog I will try to include one of my poems. Stay tuned!)
Before the good sometimes there is a rock bottom. We can fight the waves but sometimes it is that rock bottom that pushes us to find that place of smoother waters. Where maturity overcomes our selves. Where God is a necessity and good is around to stay.
I have spent a lot of my adult life blaming my surroundings for my messes. Even though I have came to realize we have to forgive the past and move on with our future it's been rough. It's hard to own up to your own steps. We are the ones doing the walking after all.  Sure life is rough, people fail us, bad things happen to great people, people die, people leave, life is always changing but good things happen too. And if we take a moment to really look at the world through happiness all those bad things seem like a grain compared to all the good.
As you join me on my story, through the mess into happiness I hope you are inspired to embrace each moment in recension that it's just a part of a story, that with a little faith lead me to a place of happy ever after.
I encourage you all to search through the yeasterdays. Write it out. Pray it out. Do whatever it takes to be an overcomer of whatever it is that holds any part of you back. But in the end give it to God. He is big enough for it all.

Destine for death, heart ache she wept, traveling alone on her broken road. Alone often, when she was not even so. Drowning in a life that she ought not to be even dibbling in, for she knew the wages of this road came from her own sin. Surrounding her was a black mess, that only she could escape, only she could confess. For she chose to mold to this surrounding of death, drowning so far in love with the mad, where only the saved could see the severity of the bad. The bad that consumed her, that was eating her soul and mind alive, that for year came as familiar as the longing to find. To find her place where she didn't just fall into this life but rise above it, to a place of great sight. Even in dark the membrane of light will still shine, that can lead us to a road that will rescue our own life. By the grace of God we can be found, and fall into a life that's sound. That's bright and happy and destined for great. Where the soul will escape the enemy of hate. Where she can stand on her own two feet, love her creator in her own skin, even with knowledge of the place she has been. Because he forgives us, he makes us brand new and fills our heart with light that is true. That will never fail us, will never end, will never judge the dark whole we were in. Destine in light to find her place, only because of his saving grace.
Chantelle Hull