Confessions of a moment

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I hope that through my blog you get a glimps inside my soul. That you fall in love by my journey that has lead me to this moment. A moment I share with my husband and two beautiful children. Where I dance in God's grace and forgiveness every day.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Some more steps along the way

You know how they say when you become a mother for the first time and you hear that very first cry your whole life is changed. That really does happen. After 80…. not my fault pounds… that no, I did not get by eating every rice crispy treat in site, a long nine months, 4 different gallons of paint, 24 hours of labor and a cesarean I heard her first cry. Life stood still for the first time in my world. She was perfect. It was like I recognized her even though I hadn’t even held her yet.  I grew up instantly in that moment.  I knew I wanted to do everything in my power to be the best mom I could possibly be.  

Madison is this fabulous child’s name. She is pretty amazing. 6 years old and going on 14. Recently she just lost her first tooth.  She is really good at math and spelling. Such an amazing little artist. She has a huge heart. I can’t help but look in her big brown eyes and thank Jesus every day for such a blessing.  

Before I got pregnant with Madison we lost a pregnancy. I remember lying in the hospital room with my husband after surgery on the O.B. floor, listening to the rain and thinking how are we ever going to get through this moment. I was angry that surrounding me were all these happy new moms and I had nothing. It stormed the whole night. I don’t remember going home the next day. I do remember shutting the baby’s room as we walked in the house.  The months to follow were one of the hardest months of my life. Instead of hope and faith I was doubtful and sad.

Time kept moving and we tried again. Madison was born on  April, 21st 2005. She was 7 pounds 13 ½ ounces of perfectness. It’s funny how the mess melts away when matter comes into effect. She mattered. She made me matter.

Before Madison I lived at home until I was 17. Life at home was a mess. My mother had been married and divorced 6 times and struggled with alcoholism. We moved a lot until my grandparents both passed and we were left a house in Kansas. From age 13-17 years of age life was pretty insane. I was free to come and go as I pleased and found myself trying to find my happiness in the guys I dated. I could fill a book with stories of this time in my life. I found myself to be an addict to just about everything that was wrong for me. Reckless, with no direction or curfew.

Rock bottom for me should have been when I ended up in ICU at the children’s hospital after overdosing.  I instead I returned home just… more careful with my recklessness. I quietly worked and supported my now drug habit on the side. I drank a lot, smoked more and had no concern for my tomorrows.  

I was on a path to a hard life until I met my husband. He was a breath of fresh air. Nothing like I had ever dated. When I say God puts people in our path to save us, I mean it. 8 years in January I have been drug free. He inspires me to look at others with hope and whole heart. That me as one person can be that light in someone else’s path…that can take their hand and pull them to a place of good…a place that alone seemed unreachable. Sometimes people just need that one person to change their whole life forever. God places people in our life’s for a reason. I can’t help now but to see others in their struggles and bad choices and think by the grace of God there could have gone I….. easily.

I don’t believe there is ever a time in our life’s that we reach a place of sanctity. Where we have the right to judge others and feel above them. That we are better because we choose good. Good is seeing someone in their struggles and loving them anyway. It’s being there for them beyond self… judgment free. It’s giving your last bit of cash to the man on the street, not because you want him to go buy a meal with that money instead of beer but because you want him to know he is loved. I think it is important to never forget where you came from and if you have been blessed enough to come from good, remember by the grace of God you stay there.
I would like to encourage you each to do a random act of kindness today. Send a word of inspiration to someone just because. Open a door for a stranger. Smile as a person walks by. A little love of Jesus can go a long way.

Dear God,

Is life ever perfect? Is anything ever fair? Does anybody really love us? Do people really care? Is the grass ever greener? If we pray can we get there? Can I close my eyes and remember an unfamiliar smell? A glimpse of where I have been and yet where I long to go. Where we laugh just for fun. Where getting lost is just routine as we fade amongst the sun. As we all get a little older we gradually lose our sight. Forgetting who we are and how good it fills to fight. To fight for those who love us. To embrace the ones who care. To pray with all our hearts because God will lead us there. Back to the place where laughter and joy only grow. To the place that we most miss ourselves, in the love of arms that show. That shows through self or anger. That will hold you through that night. That is the wind beneath your hunger to once again fly a kite. Because without that wind that moves you are yet just lying still. And still is going nowhere. And going nowhere is never to fill.

Chantelle hull