Confessions of a moment

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I hope that through my blog you get a glimps inside my soul. That you fall in love by my journey that has lead me to this moment. A moment I share with my husband and two beautiful children. Where I dance in God's grace and forgiveness every day.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

When I think of a father.

Last night our assistant pastor preached on relationships with our father. He did a really good job and made some great points. People around the room spoke about their earthly and heavenly father, while I listened quietly. Some had great fathers and some did not. This subject is one of the hardest for me. I honestly don’t like to sit in a room and hear people discuss their relationships about their fathers. It makes me sad, it annoys me and I find myself very uncomfortable.  I did not grow up with my biological father and even though I have known him for 5 1/2 years now, I still really don’t have a father. I don’t call him when I have a flat tire, or when I need money, or when I accomplish something…. when I am sad, or happy, or my kids get sick, or I get a new job. He was not there when my children were born, or when I got married, or when I road my first bike, or learned to drive.  He does not come see me or call. I don’t even have his phone number anymore. I honestly know him less then I know my neighbors down the road from me. I did have 6 step fathers throughout my childhood. They all were good to me. But, they came as quickly as they left and not one of them had a fathers love for me. When I think of an earthly father I see nothing.

For me an earthly father is what you see on tv.  Which leaves me believing in them even less then I believe two headed sea horses. I would love it if my earthly father was not so often compared to a heavenly father. It makes it really hard for me to separate. I personally think they are two different things. A human relationship cannot be compared to a spiritual relationship because humans are horrible. Humans let you down all the time. They leave, they are selfish, and they just are… humans. God never leaves us. He may love us as we all envision a father should love us but I like to believe he is more than we can even grasp.

It has taken me lots of effort to allow and understand that my husband is just as much of a parent as I am a mom to my children. It scares me for them that they have such a relationship with him. Even though he is the greatest father I have seen in my whole life I still wake up every day and am amazed he is still around. I am so grateful my children get to have that wholeness that having a father brings. It warms my soul." I am learning through my children how to have trust in a father. "

I want to get to a point in my relationship with Christ that I can allow Jesus to be my father without falling back on my earthly father perspectives. This entry is probably completely off on a Christian point of view but this is my journey and at this point in my life I am still trying to overcome this area.

Chantelle D. Hull

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