Confessions of a moment

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I hope that through my blog you get a glimps inside my soul. That you fall in love by my journey that has lead me to this moment. A moment I share with my husband and two beautiful children. Where I dance in God's grace and forgiveness every day.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights are your mercies in disguise....

I hear them tell their stories. That very moment they got down on their knees and decided right then and there that they had to give it all to Jesus. How they asked him to come in their life and heart. I imagine most people’s stories go a little something like this….”after a great sermon that spoke directly to me my life just made sense.  I went to the front without even thinking. I just got up and it was like the holy spirit walked me to the front… I laughed, I cried, I felt joy and walked out a brand new person.”  For me, growing closer to Christ seems to be an every day journey.

When I was young I went to the front, asked God to come into my heart and followed by being baptized. Charity Baptist in Rogers Arkansas. John Noman was our pastor’s name. My mom got married there. That church was a memory in my childhood that brought good. Until it didn’t. 
The church split, eventually. The man I called Dad at that time (from 3rd grade to 7th) ended up being a crazy person. He admitted to our pastor he had been hiding drugs in my mom’s car so he could sell without the fear of getting caught. To sum it up….. He had a couple of affairs and just ended up being insane.

 One time he locked my mom naked in the hot car for days to teach her a lesson on fasting. I was at my mom’s best friend’s house for the weekend. I am not sure how she found out what was going on…. but my mom’s  friend loaded us up in the van, parked at the top of the hill and quickly explained to me which was the gas and which was the brake…in case I needed it…in case it got bad. She grabbed a bat and went off to rescue my mom. We left him and started over. He ended up getting an apartment a mile away from ours and chasing me down the street in his car as I was getting the mail one day. I don’t think I had ever been so scared in life. My mom met me at our car, we got in and he chased us in reverse until my mom could flip the car around and drive forward. We got stuck on a curb and sat with the doors locked looking forward as he yelled and beat on the windows. Two guys lifted my mom’s car off the curb and we drove to the police station.

No matter where we went he seemed to find us or she’d give it another try. I remember being locked in the bedroom with my mom as he was pounding on the door trying to get in one day. She slung the door open and beat him with his own golf club. The Sheriff told him that day he wasn’t allowed back in his town. I remember him saying, if he caught him back he would take care of it himself. The last time we left was when my grandma died. We packed up when he was at work and left town to Kansas. We left my doll house behind because it wouldn’t fit in the U-Haul.  

In that time period until right now I have been climbing back into God’s arm. Reaching and searching to get back to that place where I really feel him. Since I have been married we have lived our life’s right. But we hadn’t really searched for God until we started going to church about two years ago. In this time my husband and I have both asked God into our life. My husband went to the front when he asked God into his heart. I sat in the chair quietly and asked by myself.

 I feel like I ask God to come into my heart daily now days. Maybe it’s more to stay then to come. I go to bed at night and pray for forgiveness and ask him to just show me his presence in my life. We go to church whenever it’s open. We try to be as active and involved as we can. We watch what we allow on tv and listen to on the radio a little better then before and really try to live as we believe he wants us too..

 I long to be closer to God more and more every moment. I want to grow into that place where I don’t have to fight to be less of this world. Where there is less of me and more of him.

I feel like I slowly melt into any relationship. It has taken me 8 years to finally get to that spot of just trust and true love with my husband. Where he can hug me and I honestly feel a peace in his arms. I feel like every day with God I grown more intrigued and in love with him too. My goal this month is to open the bible and start studying his word. How can you know something without reading the story? It’s time for me to dig a little deeper. To grow a little more.


I love this song…..Laura Story-“Blessings”

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